Minor problemo

Did I say minor? I meant seriously F'ing major. My wedding has been scheduled for May 17th of this year at my aunt and uncle's house in the country. They rent the house but they've been there a few years and they promised me that they would never leave unless they owners drug them out by their hair. My mom gets a phone call the other night that went much like this:

p.s. my psycho grandma lives with my aunt

My grandma: The electricity bill is rather high here and we're probably gonna move. You might want to have a back up plan for Sarah's wedding.

My mom: Ex-cuse me? Come again? I know you did not just say we better come up with a back up plan 3.5 monts before this wedding is supposed to go down after I've already put thousands of dollars down on services for that day.

My grandma: Well Kim (my aunt) won't chop any fire wood for next year (hello, why would she? It's been pouring ass rain for two weeks and they already have a huger arsonal of wood stacked up) Kurt won't do things that I've asked him to do and we can't barely afford to live so we're thinking about moving but it's not for sure yet so we just don't know. I'm being nice by giving you fair warning.

*side note: my grandma is fucking crazy and her and my mom have never seen eye to eye for a good reason.

My mom: Well if you're even considering it we're going to have to find a new place right now because places book up and we can't just decide the week before the wedding that we're changing locations.

Then my mom calls me and I become as infuriated as she is. First of all, I won't go in to it but let's just say my grandma has never been one to want to see me or my mom happy. Second of all, what the FUCK is wrong with my aunt for letting it come to this? I've been close to her my entire life and she bends over backwards for everyone. Why does she have to screw me? Thirdly, invitation almost got printed with their address on it. One more week and I would have had to toss my invites! Thanks god my friend is making them for me (she's in the business). Fourthly, how in sam's hill and I going to find a place to hold the wedding this late in the game? I've already got contracts out for May 17th -what if everything is seriously booked up? Lastly, where the hell are we going to come up with the money to pay for a venue? We never budgeted for it so now either my parents or Andrew and I have to pull a grand or two out of our ass to pay for place to have the wedding! Most likely we'll end up with a shitty local that puts a serious damper on my garden theme. There goes my gerbera daisy cupcakes in terra cotta pots.

Assholes! How can they even consider moving before my wedding? We have out of town guests that have already booked their flights and made their travel arrangments! Some of my contracts may not allow me to change the date if necessary without paying out the ass!

All this and that's just the latest of my problems with them. So here's the breakdown of my family - the grandmother of which I speak is my dad's mom and she's hated my mom since day one for taking her son away (Oh wait! She kicked him out at 17 so he joined the army and then she pulled him back out for no apparent reason 'cause parents can do that before you turn 18 and then let him live in his car for awhile. But nevermind all that, my mom is seductive whore in her eyes). She does NOTHING but critize me and my mom, constantly bringing up the fact that we're fat. She sneaks it in like saying "I didn't think your dad would go for a larger woman like your mom but I guess he liked her face. Some day you'll find someone who doesn't mind your size." Then she wonders why I don't care to spend time with her.

Her daughter Kim is my dad's half sister and the baby of the family. I've always been really close to Kim as her daughter, Krista, is my age and we grew up really close. In grandma's eyes Krista is God. Krista can't keep a job, flakes on everything, and picks her boyfriends based on their ability to buy her things. Kim is stuck having grandma live with her because she spends every dime she gets before she makes it and somewhere along the line grandma sold her house to bail Kim out of debt or some shit like that.

Krista is the 3rd generation in this fucked up matriarch and I've already mentioned some of her qualities. I love her to death regardless though and she is my maid of honor. I've been engaged since August. A few weeks ago I told her it was time to order a bridesmaid dress. She wrote back and said that she was so broke she can't even buy food and she can't order a dress. Now if we didn't order our dresses by Feb 1 they wouldn't have arrived in time for the wedding even with super rush delivery that I paid $30 extra dollars per dress for so I had to spot her $100 to order her damn dress and you know I'll never get the money back but whatever. She's also flaked on me every time I've asked her to do something wedding related with me.

I'm seriously at the point where I want to call the whole thing off and elope to Tahoe but I can't because I have contracts already and they would probably cost my mom a fortune if we broke them. So now I'm frantically searching for a place that's affordable and has my day open. Nice, real nice.